So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
