The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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