Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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