You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
