onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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