I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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