I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
