You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
