Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
