My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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