shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
