Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
