On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
