You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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