I just threw up on my dentist
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
