fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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