Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My day in three words: secret purse cake
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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