All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You left your phone here
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