Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
