I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
