So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
