just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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