I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
