He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
