time to smoke my breakfast
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I love you. Go after that dick
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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