Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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