Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
