remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
