apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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