Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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