I'm so fucking centered right now
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I came so hard my ears popped.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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