Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
