she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
