I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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