someone threw a dead crab at me
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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