Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
