I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How does it feel to date your dad?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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