Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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