I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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