"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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