Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
