you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
