DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
