Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
