The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
