eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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