Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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