Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
