I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
