I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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