I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
is that a dick in a sweater?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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